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What Katie Did Next – Part Two

What Katie Did Next – Part Two

Despite her body currently housing a kicking life-size mini potential king or queen, Duchess Kate is reported to want things as normal as possible - spending her time mooching about at her palace. As ya do.

I have read lots of articles about trendy birthing techniques that could help Kate, how to choose royal names and how many nannies she might employ to cope as a working mum of three… But as she wants to be a normal every day mum-to-be, I thought I could give her some handy tips for the weeks ahead.

Indulge in a placenta snack
Maybe she is spending her last days in talks with advisors on Lotus birth, which is all the rage. Keeping the baby attached to the placenta in a little cloth bag need not be smelly or inconvenient and afterwards you can eat it, drink it in smoothies or get it encapsulated for an iron-boosting pick me up. Maybe the corgis would like a treat?

Go green
She’s getting good at this now, having one of each gender. But she might like to mix it up a bit to add interest. I wonder if she will use cloth organic bamboo re-usable nappies and carry the mini monarch in a sling. If they don’t have one, the royal couple can attend a 'sling library' to try before they buy to avoid wasting their hard-earned cash on a style which doesn't suit them.

 

Don't bother with the Bounty woman
There's only so much etiquette to go round after pushing out a watermelon and it's only a really small pot of Sudocreme, a free nappy and a whole load of coupons. You can claim the child benefit anyway and forms are available at all good Post Offices. Show Baby Wales a glimpse of his great grandmother’s mug on the stamp machine whilst you queue!

Give Gina a swerve
If anyone gives you a mother and baby magazine because it came with a free Gina Ford 'book' beware: it's a scam. They're never the full tome and often just a chapter or a highlighted version of the whole sleep routine. You'll never have a contented little baby based on half the indoctrination, eh? Much better to accept that you won't sleep for three years but probably closer to four and invest in a great concealer, a large jar of Nescafé and cancel all your own plans, dreams, goals and celebrations for the foreseeable.

You do need a steam sterilizer
Oh, you do really need a steam sterilizer. It probably IS possible in the microwave or with cold water but you'll need to spend both seconds of your 'free time' visiting the toilet, breathing and taking a moment to remember your own name! Which is Kate.

And Kate, one last word in your shell-like – nothing can prepare you for three. Mothers of three or four (or more) have a glazed absent befuddled facial expression that only fellow multi-mums can recognize. You will never be the same again but you are in good company. The solidarity is simply sublime.

 

 

 

 

The Patriotic Portu‘geezers’

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